Harry Potter Parody
by GirlInTheMirror121
Summary: Trying my hand at an entirely new genre of parodies, starting with Harry Potter. Yes, all seven books will eventually be uploaded and added to this very story, making for seven chapters in all. It's Harry Potter in script format! Laugh! Shake your head! Get the references! And definitely, leave a review! Chapter 2: Chamber of Secrets is up now.
1. Sorcerer's Stone

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or its characters.**

**Note: Okay, something a little bit different from my usual musical parodies. Just note that I love Harry Potter (Ravenclaw forever!) and this is obviously all in good fun. Before you ask, yes, I will be doing all seven books, and yes, they will all be under this Harry Potter Parody story (so chapter 2 will be Chamber of Secrets and so on). Love it? Leave me a review! (And yes, I refer to it as the Sorcerer's Stone because I am American, deal with it)**

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**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**

**or**

**Harry Potter and the Year Where I Beat Voldemort with the Power of Touch!**

_In the Village of Exposition _

Voldemort: LULZ, killing is fun!

Baby Harry: Goo goo ga ga?

Voldemort: Gah! The baby is too cute for its own good! AVADA-

Baby Harry: I don't think so! Love shield, activate!

Voldemort: FML *goes into some dark realm for 10 years*

Vernon Dursley: Things are normal around here. Normal, normal, normal. I'm sure my nephew whose name I forget won't turn up at our door at all!

Cat McGonagall: Meow. Foreshadowing!

Dumbledore: Well, Voldemort is gone.

Human McGonagall: *shudder* don't say that name!

Dumbledore: VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, VOLD—

McGonagall: Shh! The Muggles will hear!

Dumbledore: Oh, fine. Well, let's just leave Harry here with his Muggle relatives. I'm sure they won't be abusive at all, right?

McGonagall: I'm sure these will be the best years of his life!

Baby Harry: Foreshadowing!

_Ten long years of child abuse later…_

Harry: I wonder when I'll finally come out of the closet…

Toy Soldier: I'd say in about a year or two. Or this week. Depends on what closet you're referring to here.

Harry: What?

Toy Soldier: Never mind that, you'll find out soon enough.

Harry: Mmkay.

Dudley: I'm going to the zoo and you aren't, bitch!

Harry: Oh, drat. Guess I'll have to stay at home and watch TV, then.

Aunt Petunia: I don't think so! You can come, too. But we'll still treat you like crap.

Harry: Ah, darn. I was gonna watch reruns of Britain's Next Top Model, too.

Dudley: …you're so weird, cousin.

Brazilian Snake: Hola, weird kid with glasses!

Harry: HOLY CRAP A SNAKE IS TALKING TO ME! Cool.

Brazilian Snake: You know what would be totally hilarious?

Harry: No, what?

Brazilian Snake: If this glass disappeared and I was set free among those tourists causing them to scream and run away in terror even though I'm quite harmless.

Harry: That DOES sound hilarious! *makes glass disappear*

Brazilian Snake: I'mmmmm….outta here!

Harry: WAIT! WHY CAN'T I TALK TO MONKEYS, TOO? Well, that was weird.

_In the House of Child Abuse_

Uncle Vernon: Well, we're back to our normal, boring lives! Fetch me the mail, slave nephew whom I'm positive isn't magical at all. Because that wouldn't be _normal_.

Harry: Mmkay. I've got nothing better to do anyway. Oh look, a letter addressed to me! I wonder if it's that snake I talked to! Or maybe I won the sweepstakes!

Uncle Vernon: You talked to a snake?

Harry: *shifty eyes* …no…

Uncle Vernon: Well then. Oh, is that a letter from Hog—that uh, place?

Harry: You mean Hogwarts?

Uncle Vernon: Shit! *takes letter away from Harry*

Harry: BUT I THOUGHT HOGWARTS WAS THE SWEEPSTAKES PEOPLE!

Uncle Vernon: I hate them sweepstakes people! No more mail ever again!

Harry: But what about your _Playboy_ magazines?

Uncle Vernon: …I hate you, nephew.

_A few days and many hundreds of letters later_

Uncle Vernon: Eff this noise! To random adventures we go!

_In the Seaside Hut of OMGI'MAWIZARD!_

Harry: It sucks trying to "entertain" yourself on your birthday in a rickety old hut…

Hagrid: Well, get used to that feeling, because you're off to boarding school!

Harry: Boarding school? And what the crap are you?

Hagrid: Why, I'm a half-giant, of course! And you're a wizard!

Harry: Like…David Copperfield? Harry Houdini? That kind of thing?

Hagrid: No, like, real magic.

Harry: …and my childhood idols are now ruined forever.

Hagrid: Come on, Harry! I know I just met you and all, but let's go to this magic school you've surely heard of!

Harry: What magic school?

Hagrid: Hogwarts, of course!

Harry: I thought Hogwarts was the sweepstakes company.

Hagrid: *facepalm* Just…just get in the flying motorcycle, would you?

_In the Wizard Version of an Outdoor Mall_

Harry: Hey, you said there was gonna be real magic!

Hagrid: There is. I'm just not allowed to use a wand.

Harry: Why not?

Hagrid: You'll find out next year.

Harry: Mmkay. And why the hell does everyone know my name?

Hagrid: You'll also find that out soon enough, Boy Who Lived.

Harry: My name is Harry, not Boy Who Lived.

Hagrid: Err…anyway, let's go shopping!

Harry: Icky! Shopping's for girls!

Hagrid: *opens gateway to Diagon Alley*

Harry: ZOMG AWESOMESAUCE!

_In the Bank of Underground Roller Coasters _

Harry: So this is like, an amusement park type thing?

Hagrid: Um, no. This is a bank.

Harry: *loudly* BUT LOOK AT ALL THE MIDGITS IN COSTUMES!

Hagrid: Those are goblins! And great, you pissed them off.

Harry: Oops. Hey, so I'm rich, right?

Hagrid: Yep, loaded.

Harry: AWW RIIIIGHT!

Hagrid: …hoo boy.

_In the Wand Shop of Exposition_

Ollivander: Oh em gee, that wand SO does not go with your eyes! Try this one instead. Phoenix feather is MUCH more suitable for you than unicorn hair or dragon heartstring!

Harry: Works for me, I gue—holy crap, what's happening?!

Ollivander: Told you! The flashy lights and sudden gusts of wind means that THIS! IS! YOUR! WAAAANNNND! *game show music blares from the back room*

Harry: Waiiiiit a second, I have a bad feeling about this.

Ollivander: Oh yeah, your wand is brothers with the wand of an evil dude.

Harry: …I regret saying anything.

_In the Train Station of Redheaded Loudmouths_

Harry: Platform 9 ¾? Where the bloody hell can that possibly be?

Molly Weasley: OH MY ROWLING, YOU GUYS! ANOTHER YEAR AND WE'RE OFF TO **HOGWARTS** ONCE AGAIN! AREN'T YOU GUYS SO EXCITED TO GO BACK TO **HOGWARTS**? IF ONLY ALL THOSE **MUGGLES** WEREN'T HERE!

Harry: Maybe the loud yelling redhead lady knows where to go! Excuse me, loud yelling redhead lady, but do you know how to get to Platform 9 ¾?

Molly Weasley: OF COURSE I DO! JUST RUN INTO THAT WALL OVER THERE!

Harry: …you've *got* to be kidding.

_On the Train of Characters Who Surely Won't Be Important at All_

Harry: Ahh, I get this whole cabin all to myself! AND it's totally bigger than my bedroom at home! This is the life, I say.

Ron: HEY! CAN I SIT HERE?

Harry: Oh great, you're one of those loud redheaded people.

Ron: What? Oh no, that's just my mom. I'm totally different.

Harry: Cool! Well, I'm Harry Potter.

Ron: OH. MY WIZARD GOD. NO. WAY.

Harry: Why does everyone always act like I'm famous or something?

Ron: You don't even know about…?

Harry: What?

Ron: Oh, never mind. You'll find out soon enough.

Harry: Mmkay.

Hermione: Hey future best friend and future husband, have you seen a toad?

Ron: Yeah, I've seen a toad.

Hermione: Great! Where?

Ron: Look in the mirror and you'll find it!

Harry: That wasn't…okay, that was kind of funny.

Hermione: …I hate you guys already. But I'll probably change my mind about that by November, so we're good.

Draco: Oi! Who wants to be MY best friend? How about you, famous kid?

Harry: But WHY am I famous?

Draco: …or maybe not.

Harry: Are we there yet?

Ron: No.

Harry: Are we there YET?

Ron: No.

Harry: Are we—

Ron: Shut up.

Harry: Okay.

_In the Cafeteria of AWESOME_

Harry: So this IS boarding school! I knew it!

Ron: What? No, this is totally a magic school, trust me.

Harry: Then why would we have dorms?

Ron: …you poor clueless creature.

McGonagall: So just place the magic talking hat on your head and it will tell you what dorm you'll live in for the next seven years! And no tradesies.

Harry: Sounds legit to me!

Sorting Hat: Dude, you should totally be in the evil house. After all, you can talk to snakes, and green would look SO fabulous with your eyes!

Harry: But…but I wanna be with Ron!

Sorting Hat: Trust me, you and Draco are destined for each other.

Harry: What?

Sorting Hat: Oh, forget it, I'm putting you in Gryffindor.

Harry: EFF YEAAAH!

_In the Dungeons of Fun-Sucking Teachers_

Snape: I hate all of you. Except the Slytherins in the room. They rock!

Harry: You're gonna make my life miserable for the next seven years, aren't you?

Snape: Yes.

Harry: …well this sucks.

_In the Hut of Half-Giant Groundskeepers_

Harry: Hey, isn't it totally weird that the bank was broken into the same exact day that I went there? And the exact same vault I went to? Is that a wacky coincidence or what?

Ron: Erm, maybe it's not a coincidence after all.

Harry: No, has to be, definitely.

Ron: You're hopeless.

Harry: I know!

_The Lesson of HOLY CRAP WE CAN FLY!_

Harry: Ah man, I love the feel of wood in my hands.

Broomstick: That's not phallic at all, man.

Harry: …are you trying to say I'm gay or something?

Broomstick: Nah. Well, maybe. We'll see in a couple years.

Harry: Mmkay.

Neville: I fail at life!

Draco: And I'm a prat!

Harry: OH MY GOODNESS, I CAN'T LET THIS INJUSTICE SIT!

Draco: Why do you care about Neville?

Harry: BECAUSE I SLEEP WITH HIM!

Everyone: *silence*

Harry: Gawd. He's my roommate. Get a grip!

McGonagall: Harry! Instead of taking a zillion points from Gryffindor, I'm just gonna go get…Wood.

Harry: AW SWEET, VIOLENT ARCHAIC BRITISH PUNISHMENT!

Wood: Hey, Harry.

Harry: …darn.

Wood: So you like flying?

Harry: Oh yes, I love the feel of wood between my legs!

Wood: Um. Okay then. Wanna be our Seeker?

Harry: For a sport I don't understand the rules of? Sure, why not?

_The Hallway of HOLY SHIT, A THREE HEADED DOG!_

Hermione: We'll all gonna get in trouble!

Harry: Ha! I'm totally famous, even though I don't know why yet, so I can't possibly get in trouble. I'm cool, I'm fly, get what I say, yo?

Ron: …again I say, you're hopeless.

Neville: Can we get out of here? I'm breaking into hives, which only happens when I'm around dogs.

Ron: Don't be silly, there aren't any dogs here?

Fluffy: Hey guys!

All: HOLY MOTHER OF—

Hermione: Did you notice the trapdoor?

Ron: HOW COULD I WHEN THERE WAS A MASSIVE DOG WITH TWO EXRA HEADS IN A SMALL ROOM WHICH WE WERE IN?

Hermione: Someday, we're gonna be married.

Ron: Ew! Girls have cooties!

Hermione: Harry's not the only hopeless one, it seems.

_The Night of WE FOUGHT A TROLL AND IT WAS EPIC!_

Harry: Don't you feel bad that you made Hermione cry after Charms?

Ron: Hmm, let me think abou—no.

Harry: You're an ass.

Ron: Pot, I do believe you're calling the kettle black.

Harry: What does that even mean?

Ron: I don't know okay? All I know is that a massive—and I do mean massive in the literal sense—plot point is waiting for us in the girl's bathroom.

Harry: Okay, let's go!

Ron: What part of 'massive' didn't you understand?!

Harry: The 'massive' part, now let's go!

Troll: Durrrr.

Ron: I sure hope the spell I teased Hermione about—she's such a grammar Nazi—will come in handy right about now!

Troll: I wish my brain were bigger!

Hermione: Hey, you said it correctly that time!

Ron: Yeah, I uh, I guess I did there.

Hermione: Wanna be friends?

Ron: Well, I still think girls have cooties, but…eh, why not?

_The Game of Soccer in the Sky_

Harry: Wheeeeee! Flying is so much fun! Everyone looks like ants from up here!

Ron: I swear, that boy is hopeless.

Hermione: You know, Quidditch dates all the way back to—

Ron: Don't care.

Harry: Whoa! Why is my broom suddenly doing The Jerk?

Hermione: Looks like it's time to save the day with my intellect!

Ron: That's…kinda cool, I guess. But you still have cooties.

Hermione: Snape's totally the one doing this, right?

Ron: Oh, definitely.

Hermione: In that case, I'll be right back.

Neville: You know, she's kind of awesome.

Ron: Shut up, Longbottom.

Hermione: I set fiiiiiiiiiiire to the Snape!

Snape: Hey, I like that song—oh, she said Snape didn't she. Just my luck.

Harry: Hey! I caught the shiny golden ball!

Ron: Heh. You said ball.

Hermione: Hagrid, wasn't Snape totally messing with Harry's broom?

Hagrid: I'm positive that it certainly was not Snape.

Hermione: How positive are you?

Hagrid: As positive as I am that I have a three-headed dog named Fluffy.

Harry: What was that again?

Hagrid: Uh, nothing! It's not like Nicholas Flamel is a name you'll need to know!

Ron: Nicholas what?

Hagrid: …oh look at the time, I should go and actually take care of the grounds. Bye!

Harry: …that was weird. Well, who wants cake?

Hermione: You know, Ron's right; you are hopeless.

_During Those Winter Holiday Times_

Ron: So my mother knit you an ugly sweater and you got some, I don't know, chocolate or something from some people. Other than that, it's a pretty ordinary Christmas.

Harry: Sure beats my last Christmas that I spent with the mice!

Ron: …right-o.

Harry: Hey look, a weird robe! Cool! Hey, I'm gonna dress up like Dumbledore for next Halloween like this—dunno why we celebrate Halloween 'cause that's kind of more of an American holiday—but I never pass up the chance to dress up!

Ron: Dude, that's an invisibility cloak.

Harry: THAT'S EVEN COOLER! Let's scare people! Ooh, we can totally pretend to be ghosts, like Nearly-Headless Nick!

Ron: Or we can sneak around the castle getting into all sorts of trouble, maybe even sneaking a dragon off to my brother in Romania, eavesdrop on important expository conversations, go into the girl's dorms while they're changing…

Harry: Or we can go to the LIBRARY!

Ron: …seriously?

Harry: Look, if I tie this around my neck, I can be a superhero!

Ron: I'm just gonna…go downstairs now…

_In the Halls of I'm-Sure-Nothing-Important-Is-In-These-Empty-Class rooms_

Harry: Well, the library was a bust. There were absolutely no pictures of pretty ponies, or even comic books! It was all, like, magic stuff with funny words that only Hermione can read. Hmm, maybe this classroom will be a cool spot to hang out for a little while. Ron snores like a drunken sailor, after all.

Mirror of Erised: Hey there big boy, wanna see your future?

Harry: Sure, why not? I've got nothing better to do at 2 A.M.

Mirror of Erised: I feel ya.

Harry: RON OH MY GOSH YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND WHEN I WAS ILLEGALLY ROAMING THE CORRIDORS TONIGHT!

Ron: A naked girl? Snape in bunny slippers? A thousand Galleons?

Harry: No! A mirror that can tell the future!

Ron: Sweet! Let's go see it!

Harry: I TOTALLY SAW—

Ron: What?

Harry: Um. Just…stuff. You'll find out in a few years.

Ron: Mmkay.

Dumbledore: You know what I see? Socks. Definitely socks.

Harry: Where have you been this entire time?

Dumbledore: …thinking about socks.

Ron: Is 'socks' code for 'my gay lover'?

Dumbledore: …not at all, my dear boy.

_In the Common Room of More Exposition_

Harry: OKAY SO I TOTALLY FIGURED OUT WHO NICHOLAS FLAMEL IS!

Neville: Actually, *I* did that.

Harry: Did you say something?

Neville: Not at all, Harry.

Harry: Good. Anyway, Flamel does something with…I dunno, fire and melding and stuff—you're better with the big words, Hermione—and yeah, that's who he is.

Hermione: He's the only known maker of the philosopher's stone, Harry. Or, I suppose, sorcerer's stone if you want to be American.

Harry: Cool! What is that?

Hermione: It makes the Elixir of Life, which can make you immortal.

Harry: I'm down!

_Back in the Hut of Half-Giant Groundskeepers_

Harry: So we heard you had a dragon egg.

Hagrid: What? No dragon egg here, no sir.

Hermione: Then what's that large egg in the fireplace?

Hagrid: …my breakfast. I'm a big fellow, Hermione. I gotta eat.

Hermione: Then why is it moving?

Hagrid: I…okay, so it's a dragon egg. But you can't tell anyone!

Ron: Seems legit to me!

Hermione: But it's against the law!

Ron: …you just suck the fun out of everything, don't you? Luckily, I happen to conveniently have a brother who raises dragons.

Hermione: How fortunate for us!

Harry: AND WE CAN USE MY COOL NEW ROBE TO SNEAK IT AWAY!

Ron: You know, for once, you actually have a good idea.

Harry: Sometimes I even surprise myself!

_In the Tower of Let's-Sneak-a-Dragon-Away-I'm-Sure-We-Won't-Get-Ca ught_

Hermione: It sure was 'convenient' that Ron got an injury that prevented him from helping us take this dragon to meet his own brother.

Harry: Are you being sarcastic?

Hermione: Boys. I swear.

Draco: LOOK, SEE, I TOLD YOU THEY WERE GONNA BE HERE!

McGonagall: Where's the dragon, then?

Draco: I…uh…yeah, where is that thing anyway?

Harry: In yo' face, Malfoy!

McGonagall: Right back at you, Mr. Potter. Detentions for everyone!

Harry: Aw man!

McGonagall: I love being in charge.

_In the Forest of WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!_

Harry: Well, this sucks. But at least I don't have to listen to Ron's snoring.

Hermione: Ron snores? Is…is he cute when he sleeps?

Harry: Uh, I don't know?

Hermione: Oh. Um. Carry on, then.

Hagrid: We're going to find a unicorn tonight, you guys, so be careful.

Harry: Oh my gosh, a unicorn! I love unicorns! They're so pretty!

Draco: …and you're the famous one?

Harry: Yeppers! Although I'm still not sure why I am. And I wanna go into the scary forest alone with you, Draco. If I get scared, I can hold your hand!

Draco: …oh Wizard God, why me?

Harry: Oh no! Draco, look, the poor pretty unicorn is dead!

Draco: Um, Harry?

Harry: This is so sad! I can't believe anyone would do such a thing!

Draco: Harry?

Harry: WHY DOES THIS PERSON HATE UNICORNS?!

Draco: HARRY!

Harry: Yeah?

Draco: There's a big hooded thing over there.

Harry: Why yes, yes there is.

Draco: Scream and run?

Harry: Gladly.

Centaurs: Blah foreshadowing blah exposition blah Mars.

Harry: Well, that was weird.

_Once Again in the Hut of Half-Giant Groundskeepers_

Harry: Where does one even buy dragon eggs, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Well, they certainly don't win them from strangers in pubs.

Harry: Come again?

Hagrid: Err, that story is a bit inappropriate for a young boy like you. Anyway, so did you know that three-headed dogs really like music?

Harry: Why, no. No I did not. But thanks for telling me!

Hagrid: But I—oh, darn it. I need to stop advancing the plot like that.

_Back in the Hallway of HOLY SHIT, A THREE HEADED DOG!_

Hermione: Well, now that we've rendered one of our fellow Gryffindors unconscious, what should we do next?

Ron: Go down the trap door, of course! And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one here. Girls, I tell ya! They think they know everything!

Hermione: I'll ignore that comment. Now, what music should we play to Fluffy to help it—oh wait, I believe Hagrid said it was a him—fall asleep?

Ron: Uh, 'Lose Yourself'?

Hermione: No, we should play 'Ode to Joy'.

Harry: What about 'Oops! I Did It Again'?

Ron: …no, I actually have nothing to say to that.

Hermione: Oh, whatever. Let's just play 'Happy Birthday' and get it over with.

_In the Chamber of Giant Strangling Plants_

Harry: This is totally like Little Shop of Horrors!

Ron: Again, I have nothing to say to that.

Hermione: Thank goodness I paid attention in Herbology or these two would be deader than a squirrel running through Piccadilly Circle during rush hour.

_In the Chamber of Random Flying Keys_

Harry: OMG A BROOM! WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?!

Hermione: My scientific deduction would be that one of us has to ride it to get the key needed to open the door.

Harry: I call shotgun!

Hermione: Men. You can't tell them anything, can you?

Ron: I take offense to that, woman!

Hermione: Oh, just admit that you like me and get it over with.

Ron: Give me a couple more years.

_In the Chamber of the Coolest Chess Game EVER_

Harry: Look, Ron, something you're finally good at!

Ron: Ignoring you right now. And because I'm super-cool, I'm gonna be a knight. Kings have way too much responsibility. Knights are way cooler.

Hermione: But you'd have to eventually sacrifice yourself—believe me, I know, I've studied all the millions of chess moves that you can make—and knights rarely are among the last pieces standing.

Ron: I guess you're right. Maybe. Whatever. This book is about Harry, remember? Although I wish it was all about me, because obviously I'm smarter than Harry.

Harry: What was that?

Ron: Nothing. I'm just gonna sacrifice myself now so you two can go on, okay?

Harry: Sounds like a plan!

_In the Chamber of Purple Fire_

Hermione: Harry, go over there and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. Just give me a couple of minutes to figure this one out. AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

Harry: Sheesh, I heard you the first time, lady!

Hermione: Also, I'm abandoning you so you can fight the Dark Lord.

Harry: Who is that again?

Hermione: Honestly, why do I even bother?

_In the Chamber of HOLY CRAP THIS MAN HAS TWO FACES!_

Quirrell: Well, it was about time I showed up here!

Harry: Who are you?

Quirrell: …Professor Quirrell.

Harry: Oh yeah. I didn't recognize you without the stutter.

Quirrell: But…never mind. You never were the brightest of students.

Harry: Hey, why are you wearing a turban? Are you some kind of terrorist or something?

Quirrell: I have…another part.

Harry: YOU'RE SECRETLY A WOMAN?!

Quirrell: No! I just happen to have the soul of an evil, evil, EVIL wizard attached to the back of my head. No big deal.

Harry: Oh. Okay. So what do I do now?

Quirrell: Why don't you ask the Dark Lord?

Harry: Great! I finally get to meet this mysterious guy!

Voldemort: Actually, I'm kind of a parasite right now.

Harry: HOLY SHIT AN EVIL TALKING HEAD ON THE BACK OF MY PROFESSOR'S HEAD! KILL IT WITH FIRE! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Voldemort: You'll never take me alive, never!

Harry: Quick, I'll put my hands out in front of me for self-defense!

Voldemort: That's my downfaaaaaaaaalllllll—

Harry: I defeated a crazy guy with the power of touch! Heh heh. Wonder if these powers will work on Professor Snape, too…

_In the Hospital Wing of Even More Freaking Exposition_

Harry: So I remember shiny things, evil dudes, and like, turbans, man.

Dumbledore: That shiny thing was the sorcerer's stone, Harry.

Harry: Cool! So can I be immortal now?

Dumbledore: Uh, no. I kinda destroyed it.

Harry: Aw man!

Dumbledore: Anyway, you are protected by a love shield until you're seventeen, at which point, well, you're on your own, kid.

Harry: Sounds good to me!

_In the Great Hall of Cool End-of-Year Ceremonies_

Dumbledore: Hermione gets points for being a smart-alec, Ron gets points for being a super-awesome chess knight, and Harry gets points for defeating some dark wizard.

Neville: Hey! What about me?

Dumbledore: And Neville gets points for being a pansy.

Neville: Hooray!

Dumbledore: I've always hated green. On with the red!

_At the Train Station of Goodbyes_

Ron: So what do you think will happen this summer?

Harry: Well, a house-elf might show up in my bedroom and tell me not to come back to Hogwarts, ruin a dinner party, cause my abusive uncle to lock me in my room, thus forcing you and your twin brothers to rescue me via flying car. But what are the odds of that happening? I don't even know what a house-elf is!

Ron: …right-o.

Harry: Besides, I'm Harry freakin' Potter! What could possibly go wrong this summer?

**The End**


	2. Chamber of Secrets

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any references I may make.**

**Note: Well, moving on to Chamber of Secrets! It's not by any means my least favorite of the books/movies, but it definitely plays into my huge fear of spiders (and snakes, for that matter). Hope you like! (And yes, I make many, MANY references and Harry's an idiot in this parody)  
**

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets**

**or**

**Harry Potter and the Year I Beat Teenage Voldemort with His Girly Diary!**

_In the House of Child Abuse_

Harry: I wish I was back at boarding school. Those classes were totally fun. Not to mention the food was so much better than it is here.

Dobby: Hey-ho!

Harry: What in the crap are you?!

Dobby: A house-elf, sir. Basically a slave. And as Dobby understands it, Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts.

Harry: No I go to…oh yeah, I forgot that Hogwarts was the name of the school.

Dobby: And you're the famous Harry Potter?

Harry: Seriously, man. I don't even know why I'm famous.

Dobby: …right. Well, anyway, Harry's friends have been ignoring him—funny how Dobby happens to know that—and Hogwarts is bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. So why doesn't Harry stay home this year? Can't be all that bad.

Harry: But what's 'very bad' at Hogwarts?

Dobby: Erm, Harry Potter will find out in like, nine months or so.

Harry: OH MY WIZARD GOD, HERMIONE IS PREGNANT?

Dobby: Dobby has met trolls that were smarter than you.

Harry: Hey, wanna see my—wait, where did it go?

Dobby: Just to get the plot rolling, no big deal.

Vernon Dursley: Child abuse a go-go!

Harry: Aw man! Time to go sulk in my room. Gosh, if only my best friend could fly up in a car with his twin brothers and save me! Oh, who am I kidding; Ron wouldn't take his twin brothers. He'd take Percy, for sure.

Ron: For the love of all things magic, just get in the damn flying Ford Anglia.

Harry: Sounds legit to me!

_In the Most Awesome Wizard House Ever_

Molly Weasley: MY SONS ARE SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT. WIZARD GOD. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THEM? Oh, hi Harry. Nice to see you.

Harry: Does she always yell like that?

Ron: Pretty much, yeah. You get used to it.

Harry: Guess there's not much left to do but to spend the rest of the summer here!

Ron: Yes, but first we have to go get our SCHOOL SUPPLIES!

Harry: You've been spending too much time around Hermione.

_In the Outdoor Wizard Shopping Mall_

Harry: Whoa, that was some acid trip! But hey, this store looks pretty cool. And by cool I mean creepy, damn.

Hagrid: For the love of…just…just get over here, Harry.

Harry: Okay. I need to go meet the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor anyway. Maybe he won't die like the last one.

Lockhart: I am clearly the prettiest wizard in all of England!

Molly Weasley: Damn straight!

Ron: Ugh, I might hurl.

Harry: But look at his lustrous wavy locks of hair!

Ron: I…no. Just no.

Lockhart: Wow, Harry Potter! Look, kid: you're famous. I'm famous. Let's be famous together! What do you say to that?

Harry: Sign me up!

Ron: Seriously. I might vomit.

_In the Train Station of Oh Crap We Can't Get Through!_

Harry: Told you we should've gone first.

Ron: Well, what should we do now?

Harry: We should wait for your parents, definitely. Or we could fly on our brooms!

Ron: Or we could take the FLYING CAR THAT HAPPENS TO BE IN THE PARKING LOT. WHICH IS MIGHTY CONVENIENT.

Harry: That works too. Let's go!

_In the Flying Car of Awesome!_

Harry: Wait a minute. We're twelve. We can't drive!

Ron: Oh yeah. Should've thought about that before we crashed into this tree.

Harry: Yes, we should have. Well, what do we do now?

Ron: Sneak into the castle and hope Snape doesn't catch us?

Harry: Good idea.

_In the Cafeteria of AWESOME!_

Molly Weasley: RONALD.

Harry: Ha! Ronald.

Molly Weasley. Ahem. RONALD. ACT UP AGAIN AND WE'LL BRING YOU HOME. TO ME. WHERE I WILL TREAT YOU LIKE MY LITTLE RONNIKINS FOREVER AND EVER.

Harry: Ha! Ronnikins.

Ron: Shut up.

Harry: Nah, man. I'm never gonna let you live this one down.

_In the Greenhouses of Why-Are-We-Here-Again-Oh-Yeah-Exposition_

Harry: Plants…are so cool.

Neville: Hey, only I can say that!

Harry: Bite me, Neville.

Hermione: Honestly, don't you two know? This mandrakes will just happen to be very, very important later on, as in about nine months from now.

Harry: HERMIONE, YOU'RE PREGNANT? IT'S RON, ISN'T IT.

Hermione: I'm going to refrain from hitting my head on the table right now.

_In the Classroom of Men with Good Hair_

Lockhart: Who wants to take a test about me?

Harry: I do! I do!

Ron: Honestly, Harry. People are gonna start talking…

Harry: But he's so…dreamy!

Hermione: Damn straight.

_Outdoors Somewhere Unspecific and Irrelevant_

Marcus Flint: Your team's going DOWN, Wood!

Harry: Heh. Wood. Going down. LAWL.

Hermione: Real mature, Harry.

Draco: We'll see who's going down on who later, Potter.

Harry: What?

Draco: You'll see in a couple years.

Harry: Okay.

Draco: For now, I'll just resort to racist-y insults towards icky girls.

Ron: DON'T INSULT MY FUTURE WIFE!

Hermione: Wh…wh…Ron?!

Ron: Hush, icky girl, I'm too busy barfing slugs right now to explain to you!

Harry: Should we like, get help or something?

Hermione: Nah, just leave him. It'll pass in a few hours.

_In the Office of Men with Good Hair_

Lockhart: You know, famous people don't usually get detention, Harry.

Harry: But I get to spend more time with you!

Lockhart: I always knew I liked you, kid.

Harry: Also, I'm hearing voices.

Lockhart: …right.

Harry: Well, I'm gonna go follow the voices now. They're telling me that death and destruction is upon us! And something about Draco, but I tuned that part out.

Ron: I can't believe you had to answer fan mail. What a cushy detention! I just had to polish trophies a zillion times. One which belonged to a later plot point…person…thing.

_In the Dungeon of Ghost Parties_

Harry: Why are we here again?

Hermione: Because Nearly-Headless Nick invited you—us—here, Harry.

Harry: Oh yeah. Didn't he say something about a Vanishing Cabinet?

Ron: Yeah, I thought I heard those words. But those things are rare, and you need two of them to work, anyways. So the odds of one becoming a future plot point are like, nil.

Harry: I'm hearing voices again!

Hermione: Finally, reason to submit you for psychological testing…

Ron: Hey, what's that writing on the wall?

Hermione: Those are words, and I would know, because I read lots.

Ron: I read too, you know! But looks like the Chamber of Secrets is open again.

Harry: Whatever that is. Wait, isn't that Filch's cat?

Ron: I've got a bad feeling about this…

Filch: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Snape: Now, that's irrational. I think a good whipping will do.

Harry: Ooh, kinky.

Snape: …I'm going to walk away now.

_At the Game of Soccer in the Sky_

Wood: Now go out there and win! And if you don't…let's just say things won't be very pretty around here. And I mean that. I'm Scottish.

Harry: I just love the feeling of my broom between my legs!

Fred: …err…you do know what that means, right?

George: Oh, leave him, Fred. I love random innuendoes.

Harry: Hey, why is that shiny black thing headed straight towards—OH SNAP.

Lockhart: I can totally fix that! Abracadabra!

Ron: That's not REAL magic. Idiot.

Harry: You mean to tell me that 'abracadabra' is a lie?!

Ron: And here we go again…

_In the Hospital of I'm-Sure-The-Students-Are-Safe-Trust-Me_

Pomfrey: Why did you let that moron 'fix' your arm?

Harry: BECAUSE HE HAS WONDERFUL HAIR.

Pomfrey: Oh shut up and receive your visit from a crazy house-elf.

Dobby: Dobby is not crazy! But someone here is. So leave, sir.

Harry: Nyah nyah, I'm here to stay, crazy!

McGonagall: So should we tell the children that there's a monster on the loose?

Dumbledore: Nah, let's wait until it drags someone into the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry: That's the second time they've mentioned that thing! I wonder what it is…

_In Some Random Hallway Somewhere_

Hermione: Polyjuice Potion.

Ron: Not…Polyjuice Potion.

Hermione: Yes. Polyjuice Potion.

Ron: NO. WAY.

Hermione: YES. WAY.

Harry: What are you two talking about?

Hermione: Oh, nothing. You'll find out in, oh, a month?

Harry: Sounds good to me. So who wants lunch?

_In the Random Room of Not-So-Epic Duels_

Lockhart: I'm sure you kids won't use this AT ALL in like, TWO YEARS, HARRY.

Harry: Wow, that Knut on the floor sure is shiny…

Lockhart: Oh dear. Maybe Professor Snape can help me here.

Snape: Nothing, I'm afraid, can help Mr. Potter. Or his dead father. Who I hate.

Lockhart: Oh, lighten up, Greasy! Potter, Malfoy, get up here and snog!

Harry: WHAT?!

Lockhart: Duel! I said duel. Clearly.

Harry: Sure ya did. But eh, why not.

Draco: Let's just do this thing, Potter.

Ron: Oh man, I wish I had one of those Muggle video things right about now.

Harry: HEY DRACO. HAVE YOU SEEN MY WAND?

Ron: …Harry. Never. Say that. Again. For Wizard God's sake.

Hermione: Look out for that snake, Harry!

Harry: What? Oh, a cute little snake!

Snake: Bitch, I ain't cute. And that Hufflepuff looks mad tasty, yo.

Harry: I can't have any ghetto snakes on MY runway!

Ron: Did he just say runway?

Hermione: I heard runway.

Harry: SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WEIDERSEN, GOODBYE!

Snake: Showtunes?! Anything but that!

Harry: Ron! Hermione! Guess what! I talk to snakes!

Hermione: …and?

Harry: AND I HEAR VOICES THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAR!

Hermione: That's called schizophrenia, Harry.

Harry: Nah, it's gotta be magic.

Ron: What were you saying about submitting him for psychological testing?

_Somewhere in Hogwarts for a Random Semi-Important Plot Point_

Dumbledore: How do you petrify a ghost?

Harry: Is this one of those riddles? I'm not good at those. Ask Hermione, she'll know.

Dumbledore: Sigh. So did you do it?

Harry: No! I love Nearly-Headless Nick! He's my House's ghost!

Dumbledore: Okay. I'll go and meander until the plot calls for me again.

_In the Girl's Restroom That Happens to be Haunted_

Myrtle: Hiya, Harry! You're the cutest boy to ever come in here.

Harry: Wait, do boys come in here often?

Myrtle: Well, one did. The day I died. Fifty years ago.

Harry: Sure, whatever.

Hermione: Bottoms up! AND KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, HARRY.

Harry: Aw, man! Okay. Oh, so THIS is Polyjuice—ohcrap.

Hermione: Why are YOU saying "oh crap"? I'm the one who—

Ron: No time to waste! Let's go question Draco! I'm like, a million percent sure that he's the heir of Slytherin because, you know, snakes and he's mean and stuff.

Harry: I can't see Draco right now! I'm fat! And ugly!

Ron: …just…just follow me, okay?

_In the Evil Dudes Living Room in the Evil House_

Draco: All I can tell you is that I'm most definitely NOT the heir of Slytherin. How could I be? My last name is MALFOY, not Slytherin.

Harry: Gosh, you're sexy when you talk all smart.

Draco: Are you feeling okay, evil minion?

Ron: He's…challenged. And we're outta here.

Draco: But I thought we were going to make plans to get revenge on—

Ron: No time! Hungry! Bye!

_In the Girl's Restroom That Happens to be Haunted_

Myrtle: I HATE LIFE.

Harry: But you're not ALIVE! OOH! BURN!

Myrtle: SCREW YOU. AND HAVE A DIARY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

Harry: What?

Myrtle: Just…take the plot point, okay?

Harry: Sounds good to me! I can write my secret feelings for Dr…um, for someone.

Ron: What was that?

Harry: TAG, YOU'RE IT!

Ron: I could've sworn he…hmm.

_In Harry's Boudoir of Plot Points Revealed_

Harry: Once upon a time, there was an AWESOME kid named—

Diary: HARRY POTTER.

Harry: Yeah, that's it! How'd you know?

Diary: I have my ways.

Harry: Can you like, tell into the future?

Diary: No. But I can reveal what happened in the PAST. Hint, hint.

Harry: Well, that's no fun.

Diary: Too bad, chump. Let's go!

_In the Hogwarts PAST-TIMES!_

Tom Riddle: I'm totally not evil. Nope. I'm good, good, good.

Hagrid: Then why are you framing poor Aragog?

Tom Riddle: To prove that I'm totally not evil, duh!

Professor Dippet: Yeah, I don't know why I'm here, considering I'm not in any other book/movie except as a portrait in an office, but, eh, expel the kid.

Tom Riddle: Hooray!

Hagrid: …my life sucks.

_Back in Harry's Boudoir of Plot Points Revealed_

Harry: That was the WEIRDEST acid trip EVER.

Ron: So Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets?

Harry: Oh, definitely.

Ron: I'll add him to the handy-dandy notebook!

_Preparing for the Game of Soccer in the Sky_

Wood: Now remember, leave EVERYTHING up to Harry, mmkay?

Team Gryffindor: RIGHT!

McGonagall: Good luck! Oh, by the way, Hermione and Percy Weasley's Girlfriend whose name I can't remember because she's basically only in this book to serve as a plot point are in that weird unconscious state of mind that Mr. Filch's cat and that stalker kid of Potter's and that random Hufflepuff kid are in.

Harry: GAME CANCELLED. MY HERO SENSES ARE TINGLING.

Fred and George: And we can't let our future sister-in-law be Petrified! Let's go!

_In Harry's Boudoir of Plot Points Revealed_

Dean Thomas: I told you, Harry, to CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE ROOM!

Harry: It wasn't me, honest! This time, at least.

Seamus Finnegan: Then who did it?

Ron: Certainly wasn't my SISTER or anything like that…

Neville: What was that, Ron?

Ron: Nothing, Schlongbottom.

_The Forest of HOLY CRAP, GIANT BLOODY SPIDERS!_

Ron: Why are we here again? In the middle of the night? UNSUPERVISED?

Harry: Because the half-giant man told us to before he got arrested for RE-OPENING THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS! Geez, Ron. Follow the plot, much?

Ron: Well, no. The authoress neglected to write that scene.

Harry: Oh, yeah. Well, we're here now to find the giant terrifying—

Ron: DON'T SAY IT.

Harry: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice—

Ron: DON'T. SAY IT.

Harry: Oh, fine. Hey look, spiders! Let's follow them!

Ron: Okay, but if they try to kill us, don't count on my long-lost flying car to come and save us. Because, you know. It's long-lost for a reason.

Harry: Shut up. Mr. Aragog, sir…may we approach you?

Aragog: If you must. Is my master, Hagrid, okay?

Harry: Nah, he just got arrested. Look, we need to know if he, like, opened the Chamber of Secrets, saaayyy…about fifty years ago or so?

Aragog: Nay, he did not. I am an acromantula. The monster in the Chamber is a—

Harry: 'Kay thanks, we have all the information we need, bye!

Aragog: But I didn't get to eat you yet!

Ron: SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR, HARRY.

Harry: Car? Well, I'll be! Isn't that a convenient plot point come back to life!

Ron: Too bad we'll never see it again.

Harry: Yeah. Goodbye, old friend!

Ron: We'll miss you, flying car (last year—today).

_In the Hospital of Hermione-Had-The-Answers-All-Along-Wow_

Ron: Hermione's hand is so…smooth, so…wrinkled too—wait!

Harry: I'll bet that's a plot point! I'm starting to recognize them by now.

Ron: Indeed it is. Apparently the monster in the Chamber gets around through the plumbing—wow, what a smart thing—and it's a snake, a Basilisk, in fact, and the entrance to the Chamber is in that girly bathroom that's haunted!

Harry: Wow! I never would've thought of that!

Ron: How surprising. Let's kidnap Professor FancyPants and get going.

McGonagall: Wait! Don't you want to hear another plot point?

Harry: ANOTHER one? That's too much for my pea-sized brain to handle.

Ron: Sure, Professor. Lay it on us!

McGonagall: Oh yes, the youngest Weasley brother. Your little sister has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets. She's probably dead by now. So now YOU'RE the youngest Weasley in the family! Isn't that great!

Ron: …Mum's SO gonna kill me for this one.

_In the Office of Men with Good Hair_

Lockhart: I'm peacin' outta here, yo!

Ron: Not on my watch!

Harry: Yeah, not on HIS watch! And he does have a nice watch, by the way.

Ron: Shut up, Harry.

Harry: Shutting!

_In the Girl's Restroom that Happens to be Haunted_

Myrtle: So basically I ran into that stall, the third one over there, and I saw a pair of big yellow eyes and the next thing I know, I'm dead. Also there was a boy involved.

Harry: Yellow eyes? I bet it was Mrs. Norris!

Ron: Sigh. You're lucky you're handsome, Harry.

Lockhart: But not more handsome that me, right?

Ron: …sure, whatever. Let's just do this thing and get to the big feast at the end of the year, okay? I'm really, really hungry.

Harry: Open…sesame! Open…caraway! Open…macadamia! Open…pecan!

Ron: What was the password?

Harry: Um. Anyway. Let's plunge into this ominous-looking hole!

Ron: Finally, you make a non-homosexual sexual innuendo. Sort of, I guess.

Harry: Hey Ron, what has red hair, freckles, and ISN'T in the next chapter?

Ron: Who?

Harry: YOU! See ya and Professor Awesome Hair later!

Ron: That's not fair! Harry!

_Somewhere Underneath Hogwarts_

Harry: Ginny! Speak to me! Oh wait, you haven't said anything this whole book. Well, hold that thought. Just sit there and DON'T DIE, OKAY?

Tom Riddle: Heh heh heh, still totally NOT evil at all.

Harry: Hey, hold up! How could you be in the oldy-times AND here at the same time?

Tom Riddle: I'm a time lord, Harry.

Harry: Well, that makes perfect sense! I LOVE Dr. Who!

Tom Riddle: You know, I thought you would be smarter than this, having defeated me, I mean, Lord Voldemort, twice now.

Harry: Yeah, I still don't know how I did that.

Tom Riddle: Me, either, kid. Anyway, so Lord Voldemort was the Heir of Slytherin.

Harry: Gasp!

Tom Riddle: And Lord Voldemort and myself are the same person!

Harry: GASP! This is TOTALLY like Dr. Who!

Tom Riddle: …wow. Just…wow. Well, say hello to my little friend!

Harry: I don't want to see your pe—

Tom Riddle: NOT THAT LITTLE FRIEND! And it's not little.

Harry: It's not? Then I wanna see it!

Tom Riddle: …just…let the snake kill you, okay?

Harry: That's not cool, man. Not cool at all. I don't even have Ron or Hermione, my super-smart friends, here to help me!

Tom Riddle: Maybe I _should've_ picked the Longbottom kid for the prophecy after all.

Harry: What was that about Neville?

Tom Riddle: You'll find out in three years, Harry. Just…let the snake kill you now.

Fawkes: Here, take this INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT, idiot boy!

Harry: Yay! Finally, a really cool plot point! A pointy stick thingy!

Fawkes: STAB THE SNAKE, YOU FOOL!

Harry: Right, right! I'll do that!

Basilisk: Sssscrew youuuu, Pottttterrrr!

Harry: Ah, crap. Hey, magic bird, can you like, take care of this?

Fawkes: Fine. But don't expect me to help you ever again. I mean it.

Harry: Hey look, a diary! Now I can finish my totally awesome story! Guess I'll just use this fang. Writing in blood will look cool, anyway.

Tom Riddle: No, don't do that!

Harry: What? Sorry, I can't hear you over the roaring noise and lights and stuff!

Tom Riddle: We'll meet again, Harry Potter!

Harry: Hahaha, no.

Ginny: You're TOTALLY AWESOME, Harry!

Harry: It speaks! Hooray! Let's go get your cute brother and our cute professor!

Ginny: Ew, my brother is a toad. But Lockhart is very cute, yes.

_In Dumbledore's Super-Cool Office_

Dumbledore: Thanks for destroying one of the Horcruxes! One down, six to go!

Harry: What's, uh, what's a Horcrux?

Dumbledore: Never mind, Harry; you'll find out soon enough.

Lucius Malfoy: My evil plan totally failed! No fair!

Harry: OH MY ROWLING, DOBBY IS _YOUR_ HOUSE-ELF!

Lucius Malfoy: Indeed he is. Curse you, Harry Potter! I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb phoenix!

Harry: I can't stand to see house-elf injustice! Even though you tried to kill me a bunch of times, or otherwise tried to impede my life, I shall bestow upon you…A SOCK!

Dobby: Dobby's free, yessiree, Dobby's fr-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Lucius Malfoy: I'll get you next time, Potter! Next time!

Dumbledore: Oh, Harry! Before you go, would you mind taking a glance at the VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT that happens to be hanging on the wall?

Harry: See ya later, Professor D.! I'm going to lunch!

Dumbledore: I like the Weasley kid so much better than him.

_In the Cafeteria of AWESOME!_

Harry: Hermione! You're okay!

Hermione: Thanks to you!

Harry: Actually, it was more so you and Ron. All I did was write in a diary.

Hermione: …ohhkayy…? Hey look, Hagrid's back!

Hagrid: Which one of you brats TP'd my hut?

Slytherins: Wasn't us! That's for sure!

Hagrid: Eh, whatever. Let's celebrate randomly!

Everyone: Yaaaaaay!

**The End**


End file.
